Tired and Emotional

Emotions

I’m not an emotional person. I don’t know whether it is simply the way I’m made or that I had any emotion knocked out of me as a defence mechanism to cope with the early death of my father. In some ways this lack of emotion may have helped me survive those challenging experiences and gory sights I mentioned earlier. So I was surprised that, when researching my book, I became quite emotional when reading the account of a meeting with one of my surgeons shortly after my ileostomy. It still has the affect to this day.

“He remarked how well I looked considering: “what they had done to me”. He had joined his old colleagues at St.Thomas’ on the day to take part in the operation which he described as a “classic”. He said it was one of the most complex they had ever carried out. My innards were in a really bad way.

He had a trainee doctor in with him for the clinic and was showing her my pre-operative CT scan. He described it as looking like an octopus. Where had I heard that before? My intestines had, in places, attached themselves to other parts of the body such as the back muscles. That last comment was quite a revelation and would explain the back pain that I had been suffering from for the last couple of years. I dread to think what would have happened if the surgery hadn’t been carried out when it was.”

I’ve tried analysing what triggers these feelings but had not been able to reach a conclusion. Then I heard this. Maybe this explains why…..

Adrian Chiles was interviewing the radio presenter Mark Radcliff about the cancer he had been treated for. Here is part of what he said “I took a little bit of counselling at the Maggie Centre ….I’m not someone who cries a lot but when I went into theCentre the woman, who was counselling me, asked ‘So what point are you up to?’ and I just burst into tears. She said ‘Have you just finished your treatment?’ It’s a very common thing at that point. You realise the struggle you’ve really been through. It dawns on you.”

Maybe it dawned on me just what my mind and body went through and come out the other side smiling and with a very positive view of the future. Do other IBD patients experienced similar emotions?

Postscript

After writing this post I was discussing coping with Crohn’s Disease with my wife and mentioned my theory that a lack of emotion might just have helped me deal with it. She genuinely surprised me by saying that if she had Crohn’s she “wouldn’t want to have gone on” due to the embarrassment of the tests and procedures we undergo, the stress of being taken short and the pain we experience. It brought home to me how differently each of us can react to this disease.

….and the tired? Two doses of Vedolizumab may be the cause of additional fatigue